Man On Top - Modern Masculinity

 Many of us are bored to death with the 9-5 grind. Nuts to that! I say that life is too short to whittle away your precious time in a place you hate. Men, perhaps it is time to stretch outside of your comfort zone and do something that would charge you with excitement and revive your passion for living. Here are some of the coolest jobs for men.

Rock star: Just imagine yourself in the center of the action — the stage, the lights, belting out your latest song to millions of adoring fans, travelling to different places, expressing your creativity and  keeping company with many different women. The fame, the notoriety, the cash — it is all pretty much perfect. Perhaps it is time to dust off that old Gibson guitar, don a pair of tight-fitting pants, grow your hair and go out there and live the dream.The negative aspects of being a rock star are superficial relationships, months away from home and, well, the potential for Elvis Bloat.

Horse Wrangler: Horses are magnificent, noble creatures. They run, gallop and trot. They can serve as workers and our friends. Wouldn’t it be amazing to be able to connect with such beautiful beings every day and get paid for it? There are so many benefits to wrangling. Firstly, there is no stifling suit. There is only a ten-gallon hat, blue jeans and an all-important sexy swagger. You get to be in nature in wide-open spaces, free from cubicle hell. Fulfill your inner-desire to embody the Marlboro man mystique. However, the cons are a whole lot of horse poop and the potential for potentially serious accidents. Horses do not come with brakes. Giddy up cowboy.

Motorcycle Teacher:  Motorcycles are cool, slightly dangerous and feed deeply into male bravado. There is the freedom to ride, the feeling of rebellion and the raw power between your legs that can be so appealing to men. Most men I know want to indulge their own Easy Rider fantasies. Motorcycles schools have exploded in the last few years as more people are moving towards the open road. The pros? Being a part of the inner sanctum of Macho cool, teaching people your passion and living free. The cons? Smelly exhaust fumes, can be unsafe and you can’t ride when it rains.

Firefighter: Do you remember when you were in grade school and the firefighters would come to do safety demonstrations? I remember being struck by their courage and valor in the face of dangerous situations. I was also hit by how handsome and strong they all were. Firefighters perform a vital part of our safety and welfare. The pros are saving lives, a healthy physique and the adoration by all those around you. The cons however, can be boredom on the job. Really, how often are there five-alarm fires? And oh yeah, the job is potentially life threatening.

Stuntman: These men live by the seat of their pants and do so by their own rules. Really, is there anything more manly than that?  Stuntmen are courageous beyond belief and do things that many men just dream of — jumping out of buildings, taking hits and doing dangerous things that good boys really should not do. Recently, I met a stuntman (for real). He was humble, incredibly positive and loved his job. The pros? Action with a capital A, street credibility, knowing all the inside tricks of the movie business. The cons? A potentially short career as this kind of work can be very hard on the body.

Video game tester: It’s like getting paid to do what you would do normally at home in your boxers.  Sounds like a pretty sweet deal right? Video game testers have to be astute about the ins and outs of video games to catch the bugs in the system. The pros are that you would probably be playing anyway so you might as well get paid for it and you get to test out all the new games before anyone else. The cons? An expanding belly and bed sores on your tush from sitting for so long in front of a computer.

Sommelier This might just be the best job ever as you get to drink at work and are privy to some of the best wines anywhere. A sommelier in a top restaurant can earn big bucks as their noses and wine lists are highly coveted. Being a sommelier is not only boozy good fun but also provides continuous education and the potential for travel. The pros are pretty obvious. The cons? Drinking all the time is hard on the liver and it usually involves working nights, weekends and holidays in loud, crowded restaurants.

Yes, it is true that most of you will not be the next Robert Plant or Evel Knievel. My desire for writing this was to encourage you to dream a little bigger and start taking steps in the direction of your dreams. You too can have fulfilling work, passion and drive and that knee-buckling swagger that only comes from a man being in charge of his life. Go ahead, make your day!

You know there is a disparity between the sexes when the Huffington Post has a clearly defined and populated “women’s section” but there is nothing comparable for men.

Some say it is not necessary to have a “Men’s Section” because men are already over-represented and in essence, every section is for or about men.  It is true that men remain in power positions across all industries, consistently earn more than women for doing the same job, and have considerably more authority and autonomy than many of their female counterparts. However in this case, men don’t have a voice at all and this is a trend that seems to be growing with detrimental results.

Probably for the first time in history, it’s not a great time to be a man. It is a well-known statistic that currently boys are dropping out of school en masse. Many traditional male jobs have been outsourced off-shore or have become obsolete, consequently creating a huge swell of unemployed, unmarketable men. Many men are slower than previous generations to attain self-sufficiency and “get out there on their own”. This makes for a sizable generation of man-children and many disgruntled women. Worst of all, men are taught continuously to hate themselve’s. Through stories, media and the news, men are seen as bullies, buffoons, and cheaters.

It is an interesting time in our development when men’s thoughts and opinions are not considered worthy of discussion in authoritative publications like The Huffington Post. Of course, there are some wonderful man-centric blogs like The Good Men Project and The Art of Manliness but they have a specific niche and fairly modest audiences. As many mainstream media would have it, men’s outlooks are only relevant if they are sandwiched between ads with scantily-clad busty women and self-indulgent products. Where are men supposed to seek advice and counsel if not hitched to beers, babes and expensive cars?

Additionally, men currently lack role models and heroes. Rarely do we see a modern-day hero who is not marred by scandal. In the past, masculinity was defined as the heroic, valiant undertaking of being able to hunt, go off to war and build stuff. A lot of urban men aren’t masculine in that way so where does that leave men now? Frankly, it leaves a lot of them floundering, trying to find their place and purpose in a world that fails to provide one for them.

It is important for men to have a place for themselve’s to discuss what is important to further their growth. Women have communication finesse, intrinsic to our feminine natures but where does that leave men? It leaves them without a voice of their own. For example, the Huffington Post has articles in their women’s section on infertility, finances, and time-management. I believe that men would also benefit from articles on how to deal with a cruel boss, how to navigate the holidays without losing your mind and wallet and how to be a better, more organized father.  I believe that they need to feel at one with their pack brothers to find out how others are succeeding in health, finances, sex, wellness, family and career.

Where is a man to go to find out how to be a better man?

I suggest a “Man section” for men to talk about what it means to be manly, not in an ironic Movember way, but in a way that gives men back their pride in masculinity. We need men to start counting on other men for advice and opinions to help shape their world. I welcome a place for men to pat each other on the back for a win or gentle kick in the pants for an indiscretion. Men deserve a place where they can mentor each other. We all know that coaching works to help us exceed our self-imposed limitations. Having a forum where men could counsel each other could do just that.

Everyone benefits when they feel heard and respected. I think it is high time for men to have a place where they can start talking with each other about their world and their lives. This will help to swing the pendulum back to a more balanced, buoyant, egalitarian perspective.

All this talk of Movember has got me to thinking about men and their attachment to their hair. Much like the moustache indicating the virility of a man, so does the amount of hair a man has on his head. It can be really distressing to lose your lid at a tender age (or for that matter, any age). Seeing as though I come from a health and wellness background, I thought I would give you some tips on how to keep your hair healthy and thick. Of course for some, hair loss is hereditary but for many, it has a lot to do with diet and lifestyle. So read on…
Please check with your doctor before following any new herbal or vitamin regimen.

Herbal Medicine Support
In traditional Chinese medicine, the hair is connected to the kidneys. The kidneys are like the back-up batteries in the body. If the body gets run down through stress, disease, poor dietary choices, even certain prescription drugs, it puts strain on the kidneys, and hair loss can result. It’s a direct channel. One way to support the kidneys is through taking adaptogen herbs such as Reishi, Fo ti (He Sho Wu), Maca and Rhodiola. These are my favourite family of herbs as they are effective and incredibly safe. They are all readily available any at good health food store or online. Adaptogens have been used for centuries to treat the kidneys, reduce stress and increase blood circulation; thus improving hair growth, luster and thickness.

Use a full spectrum B-Vitamin
B-Vitamins help the body to manage stress, improve memory and increase energy. B12 helps to negate hair loss as B12 is a component of hair. B12 is found in meat and in eggs. For vegetarians, it can be more difficult to get this vital vitamin. B12 shots and full Spectrum B- Vitamin liquid and tablets are available.

Rosemary Essential oil is also amazing at increasing circulation to the scalp and preventing thinning and balding. This remedy has been used since the time of Cleopatra for beautiful hair. Every day, massage a few drops of rosemary oil into the hair, starting at the roots. It will instantly make hair look thicker and fuller. Another benefit of increased circulation to the scalp is better concentration and increased memory retention.

Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oils)
Aside from being excellent for brain health, liver detoxification, reducing inflammation, improving vision, staving off depression and anxiety (amongst many other benefits), Omega-3 fatty acids are excellent at providing nourishment for follicles helping to grow them quickly and with more shine.

Wash your hair with a natural shampoo and as infrequently as possible
Now I am not suggesting that you become a dirty hippie overnight but, over-washing your hair can strip the natural oils from your hair making it course and brittle. Use a natural, Sodium-Lauryl Sulphate-free shampoo so there is no chemical irritation. I recommend www.livinglibations.com shampoo and conditioner or any of the Dr. Bronner’s Soaps.

Zinc and other Vitamins
Without zinc and other trace minerals, the hair shafts can weaken, causing hair breakage and slow re-growth. Zinc is good for stimulating testosterone and brain activity. Some food sources of zinc include oysters, red meat and liver. Zinc consumption is positive and beneficial, however too much zinc will actually cause hair to fall out because it will block the absorption of other minerals.

Additionally, increase your amount of vitamins A, C and E. These vitamins are anti-oxidants which help to scavenge free radicals in the body. Vitamin A increases skin sebum in the scalp. Vitamin C helps to maintain the health of your skin and hair. Vitamin E helps to condition the hair and improve scalp circulation. Use a combination of these three anti-oxidants for a myriad of benefits and better quality health.

There you go, a short and sweet guide to lovely locks. Commit to a new healthy hair routine for at least 6 weeks to start seeing results. It sure beats watching your mane minimize as it washes down the drain every day. Scary but avoidable stuff.

   May-December romances can be difficult to understand from the outside. We may question where two people from different generations click, what are their motivations and how does it work in the bedroom with different levels of uh, endurance. However, Calista Flockhart and Harrison Ford, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas, Celine Dion and Rene Angelil are all making their relationships work despite the age gap. While it can be incredibly romantic to be swept off your feet by a man with experience and wisdom, this kind of relationship is not without its hiccups and heartaches. Aside from the gossipy whispers and judgmental looks, people in these relationships have a lot to navigate.

            Some men go into May-December’s based on their aging ego’s pulsing desire for something new and shiny like a trophy wife. Others may have been slow to develop their emotional maturity and then later in life are ready for real love. Still others just meet their soul mate, fall in love and live happily ever after despite drastically different life experiences. Interestingly, across all cultures, it is more common for men to marry younger women than for women to marry younger men. Perhaps it is because older men are often able to provide and protect in ways that younger men have yet to achieve.

            I have a close friend named Willow, who throughout her adult life has consistently dated older men. Some of her boyfriends I have loved, some of them I thought were smarmy douche bags. She has worked through a lot of her own “daddy” issues and has come to the realization that in older men, she finds the maturity, wisdom and patience that she feels so often lacks in men her age. I can see where she is coming from. Older men generally have a presence and a lifetime of knowledge that lend itself to scintillating conversation, juicy sex and emotional (and material) maturity. A lot of younger men are still playing hours of X-box, smoking weed in their basements and sleeping with a slew of women just to avoid their hearts and deep commitment. And, let’s face it, when you are young, you have a lot more options with the ladies so there is less of an incentive to settle down.

            Dating up (if you will) has its hosts of challenges. For my friend Willow, she fell deeply in love with a man who was 28 years older than her. He wanted desperately to start a life with her and was totally convinced that she was the one that he was waiting for his entire life. In truth, I believed him. They shared a really beautiful and sacred connection, that was evident to all those around them. She was eager to meet him in love and move into his life, except for the small but very significant point- children. My friend deeply wanted to be with this man but also deeply wanted children, and he did not. At the tender age of 32, she did not want to have to choose between a man and the potential to nourish new life as a mother. Having to make that choice just about broke her. Eventually, after months of torment, they separated.

            When I was a rebellious and quite mature 19 year-old, I dated a 35 year old man. I remember being thrilled that this man, who was wealthy, handsome and very accomplished, was so interested in me. We dated for about 5 months. He took me to amazing restaurants, art gallery openings and whisked me away for play dates in his expensive foreign car. Looking back with a different, more mature perspective, I think it was pervy and gross that an adult man would want to date a near-child in university. I have no idea what his motivation was in courting me as aggressively as he did though it was fun and exciting while it lasted.

            Another very significant and unpleasant aspect of the May-December romance is the inevitability of aging and decay. When we are starry-eyed in love with someone who is significantly older, we do not think about consistent doctor’s visits and bedpans, ailments and disease. It is too easy to think that true love will be the perfect panacea that will negate any failing health. The truth is age differences get more pronounced as time goes on. In these situations, it is always easier to be the one who leaves than the one who has to continue living without the companionship and consistency of love. In this case, it sucks to be the woman.

            I have another friend who, at 42 moved to California to be with her 72 year old boyfriend (now husband). She is all-too aware that they have limited time together and with that, they relish each moment as though it was their last. She feels happy and fulfilled by him and knows that there will be a day when he is no longer there. Until that time, she is overjoyed to live in love. She knows she has met her soul mate, even if it is for a short time in her life. So who am I to judge love?

            We don’t often get to choose with whom we fall in love. With the May-December romances, there may be are some repressed daddy issues or dirty old men wanting to show off their younger, hotter wife, or maybe it is just two souls coming together to deepen their connection with each other and to the divine. I know that all relationships have their ups and downs. Perhaps when mortality is hanging in the shadows, we are more willing to overlook the maddening annoyances that can happen when we live with someone day in and day out. Maybe experiencing love, regardless of age and shelf-life, is far better than living in half -love with someone who “fits the bill”. Love is dumb and blind. The best we can hope to do is love honestly from our hearts, ignore the sagging skin and inappropriately placed facial hair, and love the plushness of each other’s mature bodies.

         Most people want better sex however, for a lot of men and women they don’t know how to articulate their needs in order for them to be met. That is a huge bummer. It can be awkward in the bedroom to be naked and vulnerable and then to reveal your deepest desire to the one you love most. Some women fear stepping outside of their wifely or motherly roles to turn into an unbridled sex kitten. Some men fear that their fantasies are harmful or just too taboo to expose.

            For the most part, men like a hard, hot, quick exchange. Men naturally have more testosterone than women so it is easier and faster for them to get up and go. Women, by pure biology, need time, a lot more time (around 30 minutes) to get to the place where men are most of the time. Many women will be compliant in the bedroom but will be deeply disappointed by their sexual feats. That is really sad. Everyone deserves to have deeply satisfying sex. Women can get off by a quick rough and tumble, but in the long run (after the love drugs of serotonin and dopamine dissipate), most women need a different kind of sexual exchange. It is ultimately uninspiring and downright painful to be pummeled night after night. That is why you so often hear that she has a headache, she is not in the mood, or she is tired. Friction causes sensation but also triggers you and her to lose sensitivity. Her body will physically reject you because friction will burn down sensitive tissues and cause pain. So what’s a guy to do?

            Well you could start by slowing down and let her warm up and commit deeply to the experience rather than the race to the finish line.  You might be thinking that you don’t have time for a long, languid sexual exchange or that you need the friction to get off. Have you ever tried containing your excitement so it does not boil over? Might be an interesting late night experiment and I imagine that she would definitely be game. So often women’s sexual needs are a distant second to mans. This is not a criticism of men, it’s just the way it too often works. Until you goo, the game is incomplete so you pump on.

            Now here is where it gets interesting. Women, for the most part, want a slow burning love while at the same time want to seriously be taken by a man. Women want men to remain steady and firm in their masculine, powerful, directed energy so we can fully submit and become the receivers of that energy. This does not mean using the jack hammer approach nor does it mean wimpy, lazy love making where you delegate all the responsibility to her. She wants to be ravished by you in a way that is safe and respectful and honors her biology and physiological make-up.

            It is obviously only a small tease of what you can do for her and does not even go into to what she can do for you. Treat it all with a playful curiosity to help you move out of the habitual groove of your love-making. Perhaps with a new set of tools, you can have hotter fireworks, a deeper spiritual connection, and exactly what you are looking for- more meaningful sex and lots of it.

Call me old-fashioned but I really like a man who goes out of his way to demonstrate his gentlemanly ways. It leaves me weak in the knees without fail. I like having doors opened for me, I like a man who offers to pay for the meal.  I like to sit with my back against the wall at a restaurant so my man looks directly at me rather than a pretty young thing prancing by.

             It is not that I can’t open my door, pull out my chair, or pay for my meal. I can, I have, and I am sure I will again. I know that I am capable and strong and independent. I can be fierce when I need to be, but if I can be totally honest, I would rather be warm, loving and receptive. I also know that I really appreciate when someone goes out of their way to carry out a pleasant, kind, warm-hearted gesture for me whether it is my mom, my best friend or my boyfriend. This does not make me feeble or any less of a feminist. What it means is that it feels good to do things for other people and I like feeling good. It is the same way that I would drive my best friend to a doctor’s appointment or cook for one of my clients a healing soup when they are ill.

            So why, in this quest for equality, have men decided (or culture has decided for them) that it is no longer appropriate or appreciated to do the little things for others that show that you care? It seems that the pendulum has swung so far in the other direction that women are doing it all for themselves (and some of them with a whole lot of resentment). So what is the proper protocol we should follow? It leaves a lot of men fumbling as though they are Mr. Big Stuff or bumbling as Mr. Soft Stuff.

            Of course, there is also the annoying nature of obligation. No one wants to do anything because they are told to. I know I don’t. In Japan, there is a culture of polite duty in the extreme. I lived in Japan while I was teaching Medicinal and Beauty Aromatherapy workshops. When I would walk into a store or a café, I would be greeted with meaningful statements from people such as “thank you so much for coming in day, it is my great honor and privilege to serve you in whatever capacity I can do so. Please, please, let me know if there is anything I can do for you. Thank you, thank you very much”. Now at first, this demonstrative affection was endearing and spoke to the gentleness of the Japanese spirit. However, the longer I lived there the more I started to realize that it was just a formality, without any heart or soul. It was simply something that was expected of a person in a service capacity, and it truly got boring.

            Back over in the Western world to our discussion of manners.  Some women  today feel that if a man pays, then somehow they owe him something for that gesture, (usually sex at the end of the night) in exchange for what should have been a common courtesy from the start. That can put quite an uncomfortable strain on any date.  Perhaps if you do want to pay for the date (and you are by no means under any obligation to do so but from this woman’s perspective, it sure feels good to receive), you could say to her, “You know, I had a really wonderful time with you this evening. I would really like to pick up the tab, is that ok with you?”

            My question is, does it feel good for you to do pleasant things for others? Do you ever stop yourself because you fear the wrath of a woman believing that you are diminishing her worth/ability/ strength? Does it shrink your masculinity? Do you think that those old rules and obligations of dating are antiquated and obsolete? With the rise of feminism in the 1960’s, we also tossed out men’s innate desire to want to do things for women and the pleasures of courtly love. I say let’s return some of the discipline of courtly love, only made more cool for today’s fast-paced, supposedly more egalitarian dating scene. Perhaps by doing so, it is a way for women to restore our innate feminine, receptive natures and men to exhibit their desire to provide. What do you think?

          The rules of what is socially acceptable for men and masculinity are radically changing. As such, men are more open to their vulnerabilities and authenticity. Thank goodness, that tough male exterior is boring and shallow. Not too long ago, men were told that crying is for sissies or girls. In our culture, adult men were not to show emotion under any circumstances (perhaps the only legitimate reason to cry is at a funeral for a close loved one). That really does not do anyone any good. Instead, men were told to have a stiff upper lip, drown their emotions in booze or go off into the woods and shoot something- because avoiding your emotions is an excellent way to manage them. Grumble, grumble.

            Films like Brokeback Mountain, Keanu Reeves in the Lake House and Matt Damon in All the Pretty Horses all show men expressing their emotions without shame. That is fairly new. Sports films are another place where men are allowed to get choked up, all for the love of the team. I wonder if men ever cry in front of other men without the trophy dangling up as emotional bait. It might be an interesting experiment to break down that cultural taboo in your own life. Do you dare?

            It is not just in the movies but in real life too. Yosemite Bear’s Youtube video of the Double rainbow is a perfect example of how one man’s honest emotion galvanized and intrigued many (It has been viewed over 30 million times). I think that people were surprised and touched by a man being so endearingly open with his emotions in viewing nature’s awesome beauty, even if he did sound like a spaced-out stoner.

            However, as we navigate all these new rules and mores, we tread a fine line between emotionally expressive men and being a wet blanket. Some people see crying as an indication of their emotional availability and therefore trustworthiness. That is a good thing. Seeing a man, who cries over small minutiae of life and is not able to keep it together and man up, is not a good thing. So we are all still figuring out the precarious balance.

            In my own life, I have always enjoyed the honesty and closeness that comes when a lover or male friend cries in front of me for the first time. It establishes a certain level of intimacy I think that women crave in their intimate relationships. When one cries, it is all out on the table and there is nowhere to hide. Women are often viewed as being the irrational, expressive pole in the relationship. It feels good to have equality in emotions too.

            In my life outside of writing, I am a holistic healer. I do massage and energy work to help a lot of people find their inner strength with the use of whole food nutrition, massage work and at-home care suggestions. I have seen how toxic emotions, when stored inside the body, contribute to long term debilitating effects that result in real diseases such as heart disease, colon cancer or psoriasis. I have said it once and I will say it a thousand times more, “better out than in”. Allowing men a space to release some of their emotions, without judgment or scorn, will help to make everyone healthier and happier.

            So what do you think? Do you think that crying makes men more or less manly? How do you feel about crying in front of others? What makes you cry?

            Just so you know, when you do cry, I will rub your back and pass you tissues. I promise not to judge.